blowfish | IC CONTACT

[ It has been a long, long, looooooong day, and the sun is not even all the way to the center of the sky yet. A beautiful spring sun, white and glowing with a carelessly hollow center, and Cecil stares up at it.

It's been a few hours now, since... everything. He knows what he has to do, is determined what he will do. But... He is hesitating still. Because of Jonathan. Because of what Jonathan had said. And getting rid of him after had not been easy, had not be kind, and... Cecil is regretting it now. He is regretting it as he stares up at a cold and empty imperfect sun. And it's only when he stops staring, when he turns around to go back, to find Jonathan, to apologize and remind them both that they are not alone-- that he sees Jesse there. ]

Um...

[ Jesse has lost Carlos also, Cecil remembers; Jesse's face is obscured by a hollow white circle of light. He remembers Jesse is a friend of Carlos's, and Carlos... is gone. At least... Gone for five days. ]

I... Am sorry. I asked you to protect him, but... That was wrong. A scientist is... self-reliant. A scientist is... always fine, so... He did not need either of us protecting him, anyway. I know that, and... I should not have put that kind of impractical and false responsibility on you, his friend.

I'm sorry, Jesse.

[ When the body went away, that's when he knew Carlos would come back. When the body went away, that's when Jesse knew he'd have to go back to that room and sit alone with what he'd done. With everything that happened in just one, very long day. Not truly alone, because people are always milling about housing blocks, but he got so used to Carlos being around that he's scared to go back.

Without meaning to, without really thinking about it, he's following Cecil instead of going back. Like he's lost at sea and this is the only liferaft he can see right now. Cecil turns, begins speaking-- and it's too much. He presses fingertips to his eyelids and shakes his head. ] Yo, um...

[ He can't stand talking about it or hearing apologies from Cecil when he made a fatal error in that room, false responsibility or no. Where he comes from scientists are human, not completely self-reliant beings the way Carlos and Cecil talk about them, and sometimes they need other people to act quick on their behalves or save their lives. His hands move to his shoulders and he speaks past what Cecil is saying, urging past it with a shaky but stronger voice. ]

Can I, um, hang out with you? Go back to your place or wherever? Just, you don't gotta do anything, just... y'know.

[ Not even addressing it, in the end. Unspoken: he needs this, more than Cecil does. And he knows it. He knows exactly what will happen if he responds with it's fine, it's okay and fucks off on his own. He'll be snorting a line within the hour. ]

Edited 2014-06-21 00:48 (UTC)

I-- [ Hang out? Back to his place? Jesse said that? ] Um... [ Cecil blinks, and stutters, and is not sure what to do, or what to think, or what to think about doing.

He is not sure if Jesse is an actor, anymore. He is not sure if he is Aaron and he is living his life as a recovering drug addict, and if he is, then Cecil should and will respect that life choice. He should not think that this is all an act, because if that's the case... This is not an act. It's a life, and a choice to live a certain person's life, and Cecil should respect it. But it is just as possible that Jesse is not Aaron, or an actor. That he is not the Aaron Cecil knows, not the one from Night Vale or Hollywood... But from some other place or time where he is Jesse, and he needs help.

But... Whether Jesse is Aaron, or Jesse, or a third unknown person Cecil has no way to understand... He is Carlos's friend. He is Carlos's friend, and he does not want to be alone. ]

...Alright. [ Cecil agrees. He doesn't know what to do either, though. He had intended on contacting Doctor Kite. He cannot go back to his room, cannot go Carlos's room, or the lab. There is not much else Cecil does in his spare time that does not involve the radio or his phone, Carlos or Jonathan. There is no internet in Haven, after all. No Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complexes. No Big Rico's.

There are people to talk to, though. There is always... talking. ] We could go sit in the subway station for a while. Watch the monsters there, tell stories about who they are and what their families are like while trying to pretend that they and us are not the same.

...Is that okay?

[ Any other world, he'd ask if they could go grab a beer. Or anything, really. Haven's limited options do make it that much harder to stay clean, to keep occupied. Carlos gave him a vague job title to keep him occupied. He'd always thought his biggest hurdle would be the first time he ran out, and then it'd be done. But they give him more every time they knock him down. They know.

Well, fuck Matilda King and fuck Haven. He doesn't care how desperate he sounds, or seems, or ultimately... is. At some point he'd stopped being wary of Cecil and began to understand his broadcasts a little more. He's at Yao's mercy like the rest of them. Being stuck in between worlds, that's a thing Jesse can understand. Even if the beginning of their first conversation will always be a weird mystery to him.

There's a little sigh of something like relief when Cecil agrees. He rubs at his shoulders and nods, somewhat numbly. Cecil can take him to the subway station or walk around in circles, it doesn't really matter. He'll follow. He'll talk about anything, anything else but what just happened. ] Yeah, that's okay. That's cool.

[ Only... he bites at the corner of his mouth and shoots over a curious look. Him and Carlos both, they're bizarrely fearless people. Night Vale, when they talk about it, always sounds way too similar to Haven. That must be why. ]

You're not scared?

[ It slips out and it's vague. Murky and wrought with exhaustion, because he doesn't know what he's asking about exactly. Not scared of the monsters? Of turning into one of them? Of Haven? Of going to Doctor Kite? He doesn't elaborate.

But he is terrified of all those things. ]

[ Cecil assumes at first, given the conversation, that Jesse means, 'Are you scared of the monsters in the tunnels.' But... Considering who and where and when they are, he wonders if Jesse means, 'Are you scared of a life without Carlos.' Being afraid of tunnel monsters, of Haven itself, of Doctor Kite, or of an uncertain inevitable end to his existence... None of those fears even occur to Cecil. They are old fears, immemorable fears - fear of monsters, of your surroundings, of torture, interrogation, and death by those in authority... They're childish fears, fears Cecil equates with spiders, or the dark. Fears he cannot ever remember having.

The other fear, though. The fear about Carlos... That is a more recent kind of fear. And that's the fear he addresses when he answers. ]

I... said to Jonathan earlier today that... the ones we love do not ever leave us. We never lose them, I told him. They are never gone. They are inside of us, in the changes they have made in us, in the hope we struggle to keep alive for their sake. They are never gone because we still love them. ...Whether they still loved us or not. We hold their memory protected in our hearts, and we will not ever stop fighting them to get them back. They are only lost from us when we stop fighting.

I am afraid that I have lost Carlos. I... am terrified of losing him, but... As long as I am fighting to get him back... I will never lose him.

Neither will you.

[ Bizarrely fearless people. They aren't afraid of any of the things Jesse keeps having nightmares about. Carlos faces danger head-on and has assured Jesse, over and over again, that it's fine; it's what he does, it's who he is. They aren't afraid of the dark unknowns or the hideous realities of Haven, but more impressive is this.

Cecil is able to come to sincere conclusions like this and verbalize them to Jesse, who hears each word like a loud drum, who is naturally brought back to the experience of losing the people he loved. Cecil loved, loves Carlos like that, and that is such a difficult thing on top of loss.

Brave words that strike at raw nerves. His lip trembles and the trembling travels to his fingers. Again he's pawing at his face, this time to rub away thin, blurry films of tears. He wants to blurt it out: he made a horrible, stupid mistake in that room, he not only failed to protect Carlos but is probably the reason he was killed. Guilt gnaws and nags, but he can't force the words out. He nods again, with more certainty as he lets his hands fall away and pinches his eyes shut on a deep exhale.

This is stupid. Carlos was, is his friend that he's known for a few months and he can't keep it together like Cecil is right now. But it's everyone, it's all the people he'll never see again and the ones he will in this impossible place. ]

I... I know why you asked me to do it. I know what you're gonna do next. [ Bright eyes attempt to lock onto Cecil's now. ] And that you're gonna do it alone. So what am I supposed to do?

[ Asked, again, more like he's wondering aloud, because he couldn't save Carlos and now he won't be able to save Cecil. Will it just loop like that? Endlessly? ]

Edited 2014-06-21 08:10 (UTC)

[ There is a man, a person in front of him. Not close enough to call a friend, but... He is a friend of Carlos. And that man, that person, that second-degree-friend is crying, and trying not to. He is rubbing his eyes and shaking. He is asking what he is supposed to do. He is sounding as if he is afraid to be alone.

...It is hard not to care. It is impossible not to care.

He wonders for a moment what to do, what is best. And when he decides not to do what is best, he looks at his hands, and his wrist. And he takes off his watch. ]

This... is the one true timepiece in Night Vale, as Carlos called it. I am not sure Carlos even knows what time, or truth, or timepieces really are, but... That is what he believed. It is significant to him. Important. Precious, and... He gave it to me for an anniversary of ours.

[ He takes one of Jesse's wrists, and he belts the watch on, looking at it as he does, going on and on, as he does. ] It is precious to me, also. I'd like you to hold onto it while I am gone, while Carlos is gone, until both of us are back. It is a symbol and a reminder that none of us is ever alone. I'd like you to hold onto it, to protect it, and to keep it safe.

[ It'll be a lot easier than keeping Carlos safe.... probably. He lets go and looks up at Jesse again. ] That is what you are going to do. You are going to remember. You are going to fight to survive, to hold onto that precious something. And you are not going to give up.

...And also you're going to go talk to monsters with me, for a while. You and I are not the only ones who need reminders of who and what we are, and the friends we have.

[ While it happens, Jesse glances between the watch being fastened to his wrist and Cecil's face, more than a couple of times. He swallows a lump in his throat. When Cecil lets go, he has to hold his wrist up and stare at it before he can formulate any type of reply. This is... a gesture he didn't expect. He touches the side of the watch with his other hand, deep furrows in his brow.

Eyes back on Cecil now and no less shiny. If he had any confidence that he could convince him not to do it, he might try. Take the path of least resistance and wait for Carlos to come back. Eyes back on the watch now. The one true timepiece he called it, and while that doesn't make sense to Jesse, all the rest does. A blinding amount of sense.

And you are not going to give up. ] I-- [ Speechless. Very speechless at first. ] Um...

I'll take good care of it. Promise. [ Then his voice picks up. A lot easier than keeping Carlos safe. But he's not an idiot. This is for him, something for him to focus on while Cecil and Carlos are both out. He looks back up again, this time with a sad little smile turning up the corner of his mouth. He reaches over to give Cecil an appreciative pat on the arm, a quick one, for this and for offering all those words. For agreeing to distract Jesse for an indeterminate amount of time with monsters and nonsense.

He's grateful, but the words to express that are lost to him at the moment. So he opts for silently expressing it. ]

You think they can hear us? [ Jesse starts for the subway station first. ] I always wonder how long it took 'em to turn.

[ It is strange and amazing what death will do to a relationship. Even relationships that are not real, people who probably do not exist, brought together by a false and impermanent death. The world is a strange, amazing place.

Cecil follows in step, towards the subway. ]

Well, I have been here for nearly ten months. So... Longer than that, I guess. Longer than the people who have been here longer than me. ...Unless, of course, some of them are people we have known who have "disappeared." In which case "how long" is unknowable, and different for each of us.

...Anyway. There is no way for us to know. To know how long, to know who they were, to know whether they can hear us or not. But... It doesn't hurt to pretend, to guess, and to talk to them, anyway.

Years 'n years, I bet. Maybe hundreds and thousands of 'em; you're right, who knows? Only thing that matters is how long we got before we're the same.

[ Now that he's got ahold of himself, he slows to walk side-by-side with Cecil. Not rushing. The heavy reality of what's happened and what's about to happen is still settling, scattered around his thoughts like a bad fog, but he's going to focus on monster watching with Cecil and-- he's going to survive. ]

It's somethin' to do. Not like we have television around here.

[ Mindless distractions are crazy difficult to come by and sorely needed. ]

Or an accessible internet connection. Or bowling alley and arcade fun complexes, either.

[ It's better not to think about death, sometimes. It's easy to think about all the time, especially after the death of a loved one. But if you do that... Then you miss out on living. And what is the worth of a real and permanent death if you have not lived to see it?

Carlos wouldn't want that for Jesse. Cecil doesn't want it for either of them. So he moves on. ]

There is a carnival in Haven North now that was not there before. Getting through the tunnels is a challenge, though.

Have you been there yet?

[ Oh, cool, Night Vale had the internet. Jesse shoots Cecil a sideways, knowing glance, because the internet would be the perfect way to waste time or distract yourself from the horrible realities in Haven, let's be real. ]

A couple'a times. [ He muses, on the mention of Haven North. ] And tell me about it. It, uh, ain't somethin' I been dumb enough to attempt on my own. But I came close once.

Y'know, me bein' a pathetic burn-out, [ he doesn't have to pretend with Cecil (who knows everything, just how is a mystery, but whatever), ] and Haven bein' well awares, they stashed my stuff there this one time. After I spit on Kite.

[ That is a lot of interesting and meaningful information to respond to but, I mean, really. ]

You spit on Doctor Kite?

[ Because uh. Wow. ]

Yup. [ YEAH IT SOUNDS CRAZY NOW BUT... well. at the time it seemed very appropriate. ] I spit on him, he took my organs, we had a good old time.

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