blowfish | IC CONTACT

[And Wade definitely wants to. Ever since he'd met him, Jesse's been nothing but a source of comfort to Wade. Wade's traditionally taken the role of the teacher and the counselor in this relationship-- and he'll have time to scoff at the irony of that later, when he's more in control of himself-- but it's definitely a two-way street. By helping Jesse, it's sort of like he's helping himself. This time, however, things have changed. He's not the calm and collected teacher anymore, always giving advice, and he's worried about how that will affect Jesse; affect what they've got going on. He's already said too much to the guy, out of apathy. What if he doesn't want to be associated with him anymore?

But the sight of Jesse moving aside, inviting him in, is too tempting to ruminate on for very long. Wade moves into the room after only a few seconds of hesitation, flashing Jesse a nervous smile as he brushes past him.]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. More or less.

[An awkward, anxious laugh bursts out of him in a quiet huff of sound.]

So. That was some fun we had the past few days, huh?

[ It's not until he notices how nervous Wade is that he thinks about how rare it is to see that.

It looks like they were both worried what the other would think-- worried if what happened would put a strain on their relationship. That's not so surprising, is it? Weirdly comforting, actually. It puts them on equal ground for whatever's about to happen next. He's able to relax if he thinks about it that way, a tiny bit.

Jesse shuts the door and crosses both arms over his chest, facing Wade. A quiet snort. ]

Never gets dull around this time. [ Yeah, this is awkward. Someone has to start. Jesse pulls in a deep breath and lets it out. ] So... are we cool?

[ Three stupid words and he can't think of any other way to ask. ]

Edited 2014-12-19 21:15 (UTC)

[And there it is, out in the open. Just like that. Wade has time to appreciate Jesse's willingness to just barrel through obstacles like this. It's always been Wade's modus operandi as well, but for some reason he finds it much more preferable to pussyfoot around the subject when it comes to dealing with someone he thinks quite a lot of.

Wade clears his throat; huffs out another one of those quiet laughs.]

Yeah. Yeah, we're cool. I mean, I am if you are.

[ It was real bizarre seeing Wade like that and Jesse is quietly relieved that it's over. That whatever it was has faded.

On the other hand, considering what was revealed, and considering that they're in the process of trying to hash it out, he's being careful about commenting on that. He shifts the hold he has on his arms and chews at the corner of his mouth. He blinks up at Wade at the sound of his voice. Can it really be this easy?

Not that he wants to jinx it, but... Jesse sighs and rubs at the corner of his eye, passing his hand down. ]

Man, I thought you'd... like, I thought you'd be way more upset than this. [ Adding to the chorus of quiet huffs. ] I wonder if either of us woulda ever said anything without it.

[Wade shrugs, a mere uplifting of his shoulder.]

Probably not, no. All that stuff... isn't exactly things I like to make common knowledge, y'know? Not exactly the best dirty laundry even by tabloid standards.

[He pauses. His chest rises and fall in a deep sigh.]

Listen, though. I don't blame you for wanting to know. Okay? I was willing to talk an' you were willing to listen. That's all. I'd want to know more about you too, if the roles were reversed.

[ He feels that. There's a look on his face to express how much that statement resonates with him. Jesse fidgets with his hands before tucking them out of the way, one eyebrow raising in Wade's direction. And he's off the hook. Just like that. ]

Okay. I just-- [ sigh, gotta take his word that he hasn't created some serious trust issues here. ] Okay. Yeah. Um-- our covers're already kinda blown, so if you wanna keep clearin' the air, that's okay too.

[ Might as well extend the offer. The balance of knowledge between them now is pretty skewed and the details of everything he learned keep coming back to him on a loop. ]

[Wade is equally surprised that he's also off the hook. He could have sworn that Jesse would have wanted nothing to do with him if his past had been found out. He awkwardly rubs at his forehead, shrugging a little in a weak attempt at nonchalance.]

Well, I mean... depends on if there's anything else about me you wanna know, kiddo.

[ What a relief it is to hear kiddo again. He seriously underestimated how attached he was to that. ]

Uh, yeah, there is. Like a lot. [ Translation: everything. ] If you're okay with it.

Well. [Another awkward huff of laughter. He seems to have no shortage of those today.]

Think we already kinda broke the seal on that one, didn't we? I mean, you know what I am. You know what I do. There's... not a whole lot else that'd probably shock you. But... you're welcome to ask, if you want.

[It's all a lie, of course. There's so much more than Jesse could probably fathom-- things that would probably lower Wade significantly in his eyes if he knew. Better, he thinks, to just play it off as if he's got nothing more to hide.]

[ Where does he even start? He's reluctant to go backwards, though he does have about a hundred burning questions in his mind when it comes to expanding on Wade's nightmarish past. The key word there: nightmarish. ]

Did you become a hitman right away? [ Better, for right now, to go forward. Jesse takes a seat on one of their beds and looks up at Wade with his attention fixed on the answer. ] After, um, escaping.

[ He can barely fathom what he's already heard. It's incredible to Jesse, the extent of what he did not know. His voice wilts sadly at the end. ]

Uh... I kinda prefer the term mercenary, actually. Think I might've told you that before-- killing people's only one of the things I'm hired to do. But uh... [It would be easy to claim that Weapon X's treatment of him was what started him on the dark path as a contract killer. But he and Jesse have been friends for far too long for him to lie about something like that now. He sighs, the sound seeming to take a great amount of strength out of him.]

...I always was a mercenary, Jesse. Aside from some paper route jobs I took when I was little, that was my first real career. That's what I meant when I said I developed a taste for bloodshed. There wasn't a long path to the dark side-- I took one hell of a short cut. Wouldn't have even made for an hour-long movie.

Edited 2014-12-28 19:44 (UTC)

[ Mercenary, contract-killer, hitman. A stickler for a title preference and a taste for bloodshed. He's sure there's a lot more that goes into the job, it's just-- Wade sounds like he's trying to move that part of his life down to a mere bullet-point on his resume.

And considering his wealth of experience, he probably knows best where it should fit. What Jesse thinks about what he's hearing is unclear, for once. He stares at him with little more than a curious furrow in his brow. ]

Ah, got it. [ Well, it was the same for him. He just tripped straight into the shit pile and kept going from there. ] You 'an me got that in common, sorta-- always was a criminal. Don't really got a preferred term.

[It pains Wade to hear Jesse talk about himself that way, not in the least because it sounds familiar to his own views of himself. Wade's played the course enough to know that there is a difference between people who do criminal activities and actual criminals.

What Jesse doesn't know is that Wade has stayed his hand many times when faced with someone who was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. He'd gotten in trouble for it-- had put himself in danger a few times from his clients because he'd done a job incorrectly or not at all. Lost a lot of money on those jobs, as well, but really-- what was worth more than a good night's sleep?

He doesn't say any of this, though. If Jesse's anything like him, a few paltry words wouldn't be enough to cut through the putrefied wall of self-loathing that had formed around his suffering. His hypocrisy only goes so far, after all.]

How'd you get into the business, then? If you don't mind me asking.

Three guesses. I wasn't what you call a model student. [ Scoffin'. ] Didn't really see myself goin' nowheres after graduation, so I had these connections I used to start selling my own crank. Only, it was... ah, uninspired. Nothin' big-time, nothin' that was gonna turn heads. I just wanted to make a quick buck. It worked okay, for a little while.

[ He pauses for a sigh, as if on cue. ]

One day the DEA busts down our operation. Lost my money, my lab, my partners. But-- get this, my old Chemistry teacher? From like, High School? He saw me, you know, fleeing the scene. He follows me home and tries to cut a deal with me. Says he wants in on the business. Says if I don't agree to cook crystal with him, he'll turn my deadbeat ass in.

[ Now he knows why Wade took the opportunity. It does feel good to get this stuff off your chest, with someone you know you can trust. ]

So, 'course, I do. After that, things kinda... escalated.

[Wade immediately wrinkles his nose in disgust.]

So wait, this chemistry teacher... actually blackmailed you into cooking meth with him? What the fuck, dude? That's the shadiest shit I've ever heard!

[But he wants to hear more. This is the first time he's been able to get any sort of backstory out of Jesse, and like the drugs the kid's been selling, it's highly addictive.]

...Escalated how, exactly?

Well, uh, he needed an "in", and fast. Dude's workin' with a limited time-frame.

[ Like Wade's words flipped a switch, he goes from brash to contemplative, softening up quite a bit. Jesse leans back against the wall and fiddles with his hands in his lap. ]

Didn't know it at the time, but he had his reasons. That's, that's part 'a why things, like, escalated.

[ Gesturing a little helplessly. How to explain everything that happened, neatly and without sharing too much of what Mr. White would consider unsharable personal details? Even now, even here, he can feel a prickle of apprehension thinking about how pissed Mr. White would be. ]

Mr. White-- my teacher, he knew how much cash he needed. Had it worked out, like, mathematically an' everything. We had to go flyin' head-first into new territory to make those kinda stacks and neither of us had the street-cred for it. But Mr. White's a chemistry genius, right? So me an' him are able to cook up our own signature product. I could still make it, if I had the right stuff.

[ A little antsy, admitting that. If he could, he probably would. Just to use. Haven is the perfect place for a relapse. ]

[Jesse's not telling him the whole story. Wade doesn't know enough to read between the lines of the Cliff Notes version of Jesse's life before Haven, but he knows that he's leaving out a lot. It stings, knowing that Jesse doesn't trust him enough with the details, and he feels guilty for thinking that way. After all, didn't he play his own cards close to the vest out of fear of what Jesse would think of him? So he merely sighs, and nods, and fights to keep the hurt out of his voice.]

You two were partners, then. [A safe, noncommittal answer.] What was he like? Your "Mr. White"?

[ It isn't that he doesn't trust Wade. It's the thought of Mr. White's judgment that is making his cautious. Which is pretty dumb, if he thinks about it. He hasn't seen him in all this time and doesn't expect to anytime soon.

It's not difficult to pick up on that shift in tone. He turns his head and sets his eyes on Wade. He blinks through a tinge of regret. There was little to no skimping on details when he asked. ]

Hey, man, I'm sorry, [ sighed. Jesse sits up and continues into a more heartfelt explanation. ] Thing of it is, he has cancer-- too. Lung cancer. So he's all desperate to turn serious coin for his family before he kicks it. That's his deal.

[ While looking at Wade and hearing the word spoken in the context of this conversation, it's the first time he realizes it-- he switched partners. Somewhere along the way. A pause, one where he considers that and tries to mitigate the affected look that comes with it. ]

Um, [ suddenly fiddling with a crease in the sheets, he looks down. ] He, like...

He's smart. Really smart. He was always comin' up with these plans to get us outta shit. He just knew stuff, all kinds of stuff. A giant hardass, like, you would not believe. We're not always on the best, uh, terms, but after a while I started thinkin'-- this is the only guy who knows what I am and doesn't care. He needs me, you know? For better or worse.

What you are. [The phrase, however innocuous, sets off warning bells, and it's all he can do to repeat it in a low, deadpan expression. It's almost as if his emotions have once again been wiped clean. Providing for one's family until the moment of death was a noble cause-- much nobler than his own method of breaking off ties so that his girlfriend didn't have to bear the burden of taking care of a weakened and dying man. But there's just something about this story that doesn't sit right with him. Jesse's expression is not filled with pride when he says that his partner is smart-- it's almost as if he's anticipating a blow.

Wade lets loose with another sigh. The only guy who knows what I am.]

Y'know, kiddo... I think you're gonna have to explain to me what you mean by that.

[ Wade's tone of voice does catch him off-guard. As does the follow-up inquiry. ]

It's not obvious? [ A small, only semi-nervous scoff. ] A drug-using, drug-dealing, murdering piece of crap.

[ It's not easy to admit the string of truths there. Jesse approaches it fearlessly anyway, like he has decided this a long time ago and there's very little that will change his mind. Unstable emotions aside.

There's no I put down a dog with Wade, who would see right through that even if he was interested in furthering the pretense with him. ]

I mean, so is Mr. White. We're the same.

[The most shocking thing about Jesse's confession is the realization that deep down, a part of Wade had already known this. Jesse had danced enough around the subject; had been so brashly, brazenly open with his own checkered past that it was rather easy to tell that he'd been up to a lot worse than just dealing drugs. Wade supposes he just wasn't ready to listen-- wasn't ready to accept that this intelligent, sensitive, kind young man had a stain on his soul that matched Wade's own.

He's ready to listen now. His voice is cautious; his expression devoid of anything but an almost clinical interest. The mask helps in that, as it always has.]

...You killed someone. [It isn't a question.]

[ "You don't have the stomach for murder", he'd said a short while ago. With the level of detachment present in Wade's demeanor, he almost wonders if the other is finished with him. It'd make him a huge hypocrite, but hey. Stranger things exist. ]

Uh huh. [ Admitted with a swipe of his fingers over his eyelid. ] The start of it, I'm sure.

[ Scraping by on self-defense doesn't make the blood that was shed before any less real. Their very first real dilemma was a spare live body. One of their attackers, but a live person-- neither of them had wanted to deal with that responsibility. ]

[Wade can't claim to be anything else but a hypocrite. After all the stuff he's pulled in his life, he's got no call to judge anyone for their transgressions. That's not what he's doing. Like Jesse, he's merely curious, wanting to know the truth from what he hopes is an objective perspective. The question he poses now is insensitive at best, completely heinous at worst. But Jesse already knows that he's not a good person, and besides, he wouldn't be asking this question if there weren't some sort of lesson to be found here.]

Okay if you tell me a bit about it? How it went down? That's not really somethin' you tend to forget.

[Unless you're me.]

...ah, no, I don't-- [ As much as he cares about Wade and wants to be honest with him here, he can feel his throat closing up on him already. ] I don't really wanna get into it. It was just... he knew too much.

[Wade winces, feeling an actual pang on his chest at the way Jesse's voice tightens over the words.]

Sorry, sorry. That was a really shitty thing for me to ask.

[He hates himself for asking. He knows that Jesse will probably be resentful of him for asking too. But as contrite as he is, he still wants to know. He's desperate to understand. Is Jesse damned to follow the same path he's walking, or is there still hope for him?]

It's just that... I know what it's like. For me, anyway. I just... kinda wanted to see-- y'know what? Forget it. It was stupid of me. I'm sorry.

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